Hi friends,
It’s a grey Sunday here in New York, and I’ve just received an envelope full of photos of my dead grandmother. My parents are moving out east this next month, and my mother has been going through things bit by bit to prepare to leave the house they’ve lived in for nearly 30 years. Most tidbits she’s sent me have been funny or mundane — a photo of my seventh-grade binder, plastered with photos of pro snowboarders, a photo of a cord asking if I remember what electronics it belonged with. I opened the envelope expecting a rumpled twenty with a note about the spring blooms. Out tumbled a dozen yellowed photographs of what appeared to be me, seventy years earlier.
My grandma Betty was an artist. Her home in Sioux City, where my uncle still lives, has a kiln in the basement. A painting of a peach sits on my bookshelf, her signature in the corner. My childhood memories are littered with her hat boxes, which I would pry open for dress-up days, lounging in netted fascinators and green-grey berets. She loved to cook, was fiercely loyal to her friends, and worked hard running our family business. She died just a few weeks after I was born — a stroke, a coma, undiagnosed leukemia.
My parents have always told me how much I resembled her. I have no relationship to speak of with her family, my dad’s side, but I’m sure they’d tell me, too. But seeing these photos, as if for the first time, I saw the curve of my own forehead, the hood of my own eyelids, the pronounced cupid’s bow of my own lips, the apples of my own cheeks. In them, she’s my age, immortalized as my twin, on a trip to Lake Itasca, the headwater of the Mississippi.
Today I am mourning the grandmother I don’t remember, the one relationship I feel truly robbed of in my life. I’ve never had a close relationship with my family, and at risk of sounding too emo, I have always been the black sheep. But I know she would have loved me, she would have taught me, and somehow, would have made me more me than I already am today. I figured it out without Betty and eventually became her — the artist who cooks and turns a look and fiercely loves her friends. I will always wonder how great our love could have been.
Writing this is incredibly indulgent, and forgive me for rambling on. The reason for me including it in this week’s newsletter is because these photos have pushed me to seek a medium for us to finally speak. My mother once saw a medium to contact her parents, who I loved in their own right, and they spoke to her with such love and care and detail. I selfishly want that for me, too, to know she’s been here the whole time. That none of this has been a coincidence, that it’s always been her. And through my spiritual practice, I think I’ll be all the more prepared to receive her messages.
Maybe she’s the one who’s been sending me 11:11 all these years. Every time, I make the same wish. Maybe it’s her wish, too.
Art: @atlasmountains
Your readings for the week…
Aries: Four of Cups
Be on the lookout this week for opportunities that might otherwise pass you by! The universe is making you an offering for happiness, but you’re so focused on keeping the rest of your life afloat, you might just miss something great. Get in the practice of saying yes and giving chances to people you otherwise might not associate with. Fulfillment might come more quickly if you follow the trail this way!
Taurus: Two of Wands
You’re looking ahead this week to new adventures, seeing the world, and reigniting a spark that may have dimmed recently. There’s a world of opportunity out there, and you’re excited to make something happen. Observe your surroundings with a curious eye, and you may just find your next great project. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there!
Gemini: Page of Swords
You’re coming in hot this week, Gemini, and you’ve got a plan. It might be a bit of a harebrained scheme, but you’ve got your conviction behind you, and that’s what matters. Try to take things slow and pay attention to the advice of your mentors and older peers. They’ll help guide that energy towards something productive, and maybe you’ll learn a thing or two.
Cancer: Four of Swords Reversed
This is your sign from the universe to rest and recharge, Cancer. You’ve done a lot of learning recently, but you haven’t stopped to slow down and let the lessons ruminate. What takeaways do you need to apply to your life, like, yesterday? Stop pushing yourself so hard to be there already; you’ll get there in due time.
Leo: Page of Pentacles Reversed
Some Leos may find themselves in a new work situation this week where they feel a little out of their depth. Others may find themselves out of their depth in financial or home situations — trying to fix something that’s broken, negotiating a new lease, distracted by trinkets that come up while cleaning. Try and take things slow and ask for help along the way.
Virgo: The Sun Reversed
You might be feeling a little unlike yourself lately, and that’s okay. Maybe you set some unrealistic expectations of yourself or your loved ones, and for whatever reasons, the actions have fallen short. In the end, remember that you have every ability to create happiness in your everyday life in ways that make you feel more like you. I encourage you to lean into that this week!
Libra: Seven of Pentacles Reversed
This week, you might find yourself feeling totally bogged down at work, like you’ve been chipping away at a project, but there’s no end in sight. This feeling may be leading to procrastination, avoidance, or wanting to abandon your work altogether. Don’t worry! These feelings are passing, and you might feel better to take another crack at it next week. Just allow yourself to relax and do some things that inspire you aside from this project in the meantime.
Scorpio: Strength
You are so strong, Scorpio. It’s a divine strength that you are calling upon lately, mustering up the courage to get you through every day. Whether or not times are tough for you personally, you show up for people who need you (and yes, that includes yourself). Remember to protect your energy and take time to rejuvenate at the end of long days. You’ve got a lot on your plate, but you are equipped to handle anything.
Sagittarius: Three of Wands
You’re setting out on a new adventure this week, Sag, and it kind of feels like the world is ahead of you. There’s something new in your life that has inspired you, be it a challenge or an opportunity, and it’s taking you places you’ve never been before. Don’t be too afraid of the unknown, even as things are changing. The universe is guiding you on your path.
Capricorn: Three of Pentacles
This is a great week for collaboration! Get your pals together and do some projects you’ve meant to get done, tap your coworkers to get their opinions on your work or throw yourself into a new group altogether. Some of you may even be called to volunteer. In any scenario, your unique talents will be appreciated. And you might just learn something important from a different perspective!
Aquarius: Five of Cups Reversed
You’re starting to look on the bright side again, Aquarius, and things are looking up. You may have been feeling glass-half-empty for a while now, but thanks to a little change in mindset, you’re starting to see things in a new light. Take that positivity and turn it into love for those around you and gratitude for the strong relationships in your life.
Pisces: Wheel of Fortune
Luck is on your side this week, dear Pisces! What an exciting sign from spirit. Anything you try your hand at, there is divine guidance pushing you towards success. Sure, buy a lotto ticket, but also ask for that raise, DTR with that quaran-cutie, or get started on that project you’ve been thinking about. Good things are coming your way.
Gimme a piece of your heart
Cute lil’ diagrams courtesy of @astrhology (part one and part two).
Okay, don’t @ me, but…
I have only listened to “deja vú” by Olivia Rodrigo for like five days straight now. Joshua Basset, eat your heart out.
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